If you’re only using your journal to rant about past fights and current problems, you might not be getting the most out of your journaling practice. It’s time to level up your journal and learn how to resolve conflict by preparing in your journal.
As a certified Intergroup Dialogue Facilitator, I’ve learned a thing or two about tackling difficult conversations. Mostly, I’ve learned that it is hard for everyone –no matter how much professional training or social awareness they have. So, if you’re struggling with conflict right now, you’re in great company.
Still, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t tips and tricks you can use to feel more confident in conflict. A little prep work goes a long way! For example, you might find it is far easier to set a boundary when you have planned out what you want to say.
Here’s how to make that plan.
Why Facing Conflict is Worth It
Before asking yourself “how to resolve conflict”, you first need to remember why you care about conflict in the first place.
First, you own it to yourself to express what you need to live comfortably. Conflict is often an opportunity to do just that. Yeah, I said it. Conflict is an opportunity even if it is overwhelming. Nothing inspires compassion or support like healthy conflict.
Second, when you keep the peace, you also keep your distance. It is impossible to truly connect with someone when you’re constantly hiding your inner world from them. Working through conflict with someone has the power to draw you closer to the people you love. Again, what an opportunity!
Disclaimer: Conflict Will Always Be Hard
While all that opportunity is a beautiful thing, I won’t lie to you. Conflict sucks. It feels bad. No one truly enjoys real interpersonal conflict. That is why it can be a lifesaver to prep for conflict in your journal first (ask me how I know).
It would be great if this technique was 100% perfect. In a dream world, you’d fill out your journal entry and walk into the conversation with grace, poise, and unshakeable patience. Bad news. That’s not how this works.
Conflict will always cause tension. Of course, there is the tension between everyone involved. That part is a no-brainier. But you can’t forget the tension inside yourself. Speaking of which, unclench your jaw right now!
All this to say, conflict will never feel easy. This journal prompt is not a cure-all for your anxiety. It is, however, a coping tool to make things feel lighter. Sometimes, that is all it takes to get yourself through a hard conversation.
Your Journaling Guide on How to Resolve Conflict
This set of journal prompts was created out of a process of trial and error. By combining my expertise as an intergroup dialogue facilitator and my personal experiences with therapy, this technique is quite grounding.
Here’s how to resolve conflict (in part) by using your journal.
Step 1) Find Common Ground
Defensiveness is a conversation killer. That’s why it is so important to lead your conversation with common ground. Of course, this is easier said than done when conflict has been brewing.
In the DBT skill “Dear Man”, every emotional talk starts off with a statement of facts, not feelings. Sounds counterintuitive, yes, but it is so helpful! Talking about the literal truth allows everyone to get on the same page – maybe even point out some misunderstandings.
When you’re already agreeing from the start of your conversation, it’s easier to lower your defense walls. Once those are out of the way, everyone is free to be more vulnerable.
Start off this journal exercise by listing all of the facts. Try your best to be impartial and leave emotional words out altogether. Think “FBI briefing” or “medical chart”.
Next, boil this explanation into 2-3 sentences that really get to the point. These sentences will be your conflict convo opener.
Step 2) Understand Your Feelings
Of course, you’ll need to talk about your feelings eventually. That’s why the next step is knowing what those emotions are. Don’t sell this part short! Emotions can be complicated.
Take anger for example. Anger probably takes first place as “most common emotion felt during conflict” but that’s only because it’s a secondary emotion. You can learn more about that here but, for now, just know that there’s almost always something deeper about rage. Maybe you feel mad because you feel scared, abandoned, or hurt. No matter what, those are some complicated feelings!
In your journal, create a thought web of all the emotions you are feeling. Put main emotions closer to the center and branch off from there [see image below].
Once you’ve completed your web, take a step back and look at all the feelings you’ve put down. Which ones are the most important to share? Pick 1-2 emotions and write “I-statements” for each of them (ex: “When I heard what you said about me, I felt embarrassed” NOT “what you said made me embarrassed”).
Step 3) Know Your Needs
Time for a hard pill to swallow. You have to be direct about your needs. Saying how you feel is not enough because everyone is different. You might need one thing when you are sad but other people will always need something else.
That said, it is incredibly normal to not know what you need right away. This is one of the many reasons why it helps to prep how to resolve conflict with your journal ahead of time.
Take a brief moment to imagine a future where this conflict is over. How is this world different from life right now?
After you describe the differences, look for anything that sticks out. Try to reframe this as a need. I.e., “I don’t hear any negative comments about my body” becomes “I need people to stop making negative comments about my body”.
Step 4) Prep for Triggers
Even the best made plans can crumble if you’re triggered. We all know what it feels like to say something we didn’t mean. What a lose-lose situation.
To start, take a self-compassion break. Emotional triggers can be really intense. Everybody struggles with them from time to time. Slip-ups are normal and human.
And, at the same time, it’s in your best interest to stay mindful. You express yourself best when living in the moment. Building a coping ladder is a great way to keep yourself grounded during a stressful conversation. Bonus: you can reuse your coping ladder whenever stress pops up!
Draw a ladder with 10 steps in the center of the journal page. Number each rung of the ladder 1-10. Label the left side “symptoms” and the right side “skills”.
Start with the first wrung. Think about what it feels like when your stress is just starting to build. Write down all the physical symptoms and thought patterns that pop up at that 1st level. Now, think of all the coping skills you can use to get back down to zero. You might not need too many for level one.
Then, imagine your stress going up one notch. What are the symptoms and skills that match a 2 on your coping ladder? Repeat this for each step of the ladder, making 10 the highest level of anxiety you have ever felt. Now you have a key for how to soothe yourself at different levels of stress.
Step 5) Affirm Your Values
One of my favorite things about Intergroup Dialogue is the community agreement. In a formal dialogue, everyone goes around sharing how they’d like the group to act during the conversation. It helps build a sense of community and support before anything dividing comes up.
But let’s be real, starting an informal conversation that way could be weird at best and counterproductive at worst. You don’t want to spring a social contract on someone out of nowhere. Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t think ahead about how you want to act during a conflict. This is where values come in.
In this case, a value answers the question “how do you want to act in a specific situation”. To break it down, being well-liked is not a value but you can value being kind. That said, you should always value being kind because not everyone deserves your kindness. Values are guides, not rules.
Affirming your values puts you in a good mindset for conflict. Remembering that you value bravery, confidence, and nutrition matters! Suddenly, it’s not that you have to talk to your roommate about stealing your yogurt. You get to stand up for your right to eat a healthy snack that you paid for!
Note what part of your life this conflict is in (family, friends, work, romance, etc.). Then fill in the blank with as many things as you’d like.
“In this part of my life, I want to act….”
Now What?
Now comes the hard part. Yes, unfortunately, you actually have to have the conversation. The upside is that you have the support of your journal!
If you followed along with all of the journal prompts, your journal entry should cover these points:
· The key facts of the matter
· How you are feeling
· What you need moving forward
· How you can manage your triggers
· Why all of this matters
These points offer a natural flow for a tough conversation. Address the facts, move on to your feelings, and then state your needs –all while focusing on mindfulness and values. Hopefully, this will be enough to guide you through whatever it is that you need to say.
So, while there is no simple solution, this is a great approach for how to resolve conflict.
