It sounds ironic, but toxic empathy is all too real. You’ve probably dealt with it a lot. Toxic empathy is when your compassion and understanding of another person’s emotions overrides your own needs. And no, this kind of selflessness isn’t a good thing.
This week, we are going to expand on one of the most common issues journalers face when writing a mental health journal – overidentifying with other people.
Empath or Toxic Empathy?
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who deeply connect with the term “empath” and those who literally can’t stand it. It makes sense that the Western world is so divided here. In a culture where the push for independence and individuality is so strong, empathy goes against the grain.
Journalers know this is a problem. That’s why people are so drawn to shadow work, aspect journaling, and other empathy-building journaling prompts. The idea that empathy could be toxic seems to go against everything a self-reflective journal is for.
But you know what they say about too much of a good thing. Empaths know this firsthand. The difference between empathy and toxic empathy is burnout. Caring about other people should feel empowering. You’ll know you’ve gone too far when that feel-good energy turns to resentment, exhaustion, or worse.
If It’s So Toxic, Why Do We Do It?
If you want to understand toxic empathy, you need to be honest about people pleasing. Hint, hint: it’s the same thing. And honestly? It’s not as selfless as you think it is.
When you over-empathize with someone’s emotions, you take away their opportunity to name that emotion for themselves. This also keeps those people from processing their emotions fully. It is the anxious thought-daughter’s most common vice (ask me how I know).
So why on earth do we do it? Like it or not, toxic empathy is a coping technique. It is really, really good at distracting you from your own problems. Again, ask me how I know. While it’s a beautiful thing to care for other people, it’s also important to set limits.
A Quick Diagnosis Journal Exercise
First things first, take a deep breath. The harsh reality behind toxic empathy is hard to face without self-compassion. Before approaching this journal prompt, make sure you spend some grounding time to remember that you are well-intentioned. You shouldn’t discredit the love you have for other people just because your anxiety takes it too far sometimes.
Did you do it? We’ll wait.
Once you are ready to check in with yourself, get cozy with your journal. Journals are actually the perfect tool to identify where toxic empathy pops up in your life because they solidify your thoughts. You can only catch the warning signs when everything is out of your head. Pro-tip, this exercise is another journal prompt you can re-use for deeper insights every time.
All you need to do is set a timer for 10-20 minutes and start journaling about the emotions you’ve been feeling lately. When you’re finished, you can check for these 4 signs of toxic empathy.
1) Main Character Energy
Most journalers value self-reflection. In fact, it’s one of the main reasons people journal. Toxic empathy gets in the way of this goal. Instead of self-reflection, you may notice that your journal reflects more on others.
Checking for this is simple. Ask yourself, “Am I the main character of this journal?” and count how many times you refer to yourself in the entry.
As a general rule, you should mention yourself more than any other person. By a lot. Remember, it isn’t selfish to consider your thoughts and feelings. In fact, in your mental health journal, it is the whole point.
2) Listen to Your To-Do List
Planning a weekly to-do list is important for so many reasons. Testing if you might be experiencing toxic empathy is definitely one of them.
As you go through your entry, notice your actions. How many of them were related to the goals you set out for yourself this week, month, or year? Pushing yourself a little to achieve a valued goal is healthy. Forcing yourself to perfectly support others is not.
Your actions say a lot about where your focus has been lately. When you notice that most of those choices are centered around other people, you may have a problem. Good news, though! This issue is also the easiest to fix. Especially when you try out this free Balanced Life Blueprint.
3) Who is in Charge Here?
Yes or no, did you mention being stressed in your journal entry because another person in your life felt stressed? Don’t panic, this could just be a healthy form of empathy.
Now, here’s a follow-up question. Did you mention anything you feel apart from them and their feelings? If not, you could be experiencing some toxic empathy.
Your wellness journal should always go back to you and your inner world. It is key to developing self-trust and confidence. Can your friends’ feelings impact yours? Absolutely. Just remember that their feelings and your feelings are separate things. Only then will you truly self-reflect.
4) Decisions, Decisions
Apart from truly extreme situations, you always have choices. If you find yourself journaling about having “no choice”, that is a sign that you are giving too much power to other people and or their emotions. That is toxic empathy.
While it may sound selfless at first, saying you had “no choice” builds resentment. Worse, it makes you push away that resentment. Over time, all that bottled-up anger will burst out and create a lot more conflict.
If your entry says or implies that you had “no choice”, take at least 5 minutes to write out other choices you could have made. Do your best to remove any judgment from this list. This will remind you that you did, in fact, have a choice. Maybe you’ll find that the choice you made was just one that aligned most with your values. Otherwise, make a change.
