Confession. I am in the people pleasers club.
A lot of us identify that way. Now more than ever, people are searching for ways out of the people pleasing trap. If that sounds like you, you’re in luck. Journaling is one of the best ways to stop people pleasing in its tracks!
So far, Write Your Wellness has covered journaling topics like Anxiety, Anger, and Trust. People pleasing is a bit different. It is a behavior pattern rather than an emotion. That said, a people pleaser can only change if they face…well…people. It is a very social process.
But if it is so social, how can a private journal help? I am so glad you asked!
Define Your Values
If you follow me on Instagram (which you totally should), you’ll know that setting values is a non-negotiable part of journaling. Values form the base of any healthy goal, habit, or self-reflection. But what are values?
Values are the ways we want to show up. They a flexible, fluid, and dependent on action. They are NOT what we have or aspire to own. For example, you can value independence and ambition. These values may lead you to work towards earning a higher salary. However, you cannot value having a high salary—only the traits that led up to it.
So, what does this have to do with people pleasing? Easy. If you don’t know how you want to show up, other people will try to tell you how to act. They will tell you things like “be generous” and “be peaceful”. These are perfectly lovely values to have, don’t get me wrong. But if they aren’t what you want for yourself, someone could easily take advantage.
That’s why it’s good to “take inventory” of your values every once and awhile. Like I said, values are flexible and fluid. Not only will they change year to year but they will also change from setting to setting. How you show up for your family might not be the way you want to show up for work. That doesn’t make either part of you fake. Actually, knowing the specifics of your values makes you unshakeable.
Establish Personal Needs
Once you have your values down, it’s time to take a look at your needs – the bane of people pleasers everywhere. For the sake of this post, a need is anything you require for your minimum standard of living.
Did you catch that? YOUR minimum standard. You have some control over what you will and won’t accept in your life. Take your list of values and ask yourself,
“What is needed to live according to these beliefs?”
Now, let’s take every people pleaser’s favorite value – being “nice”. If you want to be a nice person, your first instinct might be to do what everyone asks without hesitation. In fact, if you are a people pleaser, you probably follow that logic every day. But think about how that plays out in real life. Can you really be nice to everyone all the time? What happens if you get two social invitations on the same day? What if you are just bone tired and your neighbor asks for a favor?
My point is, living according to your values isn’t easy. Establishing your needs helps you create an internal guideline for living a real (and really complicated) life. In each of those scenarios I listed, a need requirement could be helpful. Maybe you need 24 hours’ notice before an event to make plans or a full night’s sleep before doing additional favors. Not only will these needs help you live a more fulfilling life, but they will also cut down the guilt you may feel after not people pleasing.
Understand Your Patterns
Okay, so you got your values and needs. The future you is in your sight! Now all you need is a way to get there. In order to do that, you need to know where you’ve been and where you are now. That’s where a timeline journal comes in handy.
For this timeline, map out your top people pleasing moments. If you don’t know where to start, ask questions like
· When did I first notice I was hiding my true self to please others?
· What moments taught me that people pleasing was expected of me?
· What are my biggest regrets?
· When was the last time I acted according to my values?
As you fill your timeline, take note of the patterns that show up. Many of us are triggered by certain people or environments. It is different for everyone.
Once you know your people pleasing patterns, you can compare those actions to your newfound needs and values. More likely than not, they won’t line up. Don’t worry. Up next, you’ll flip the script. Literally.
Set a New Script
Up next, you’ll need to use a different technique – aspect journaling. Aspect journaling is great for people pleasures in general. You can talk to the parts of yourself that want to please others AND the parts that really, really don’t. However, that is not what this step is all about.
From your timeline, pick an incident you wish had gone differently. It can be any time that your people pleasing was a bit out of control. In your journal, go through that event and rewrite the conversation(s) that led up to it. If there wasn’t even a conversation at all, make one. In this script, pretend you are committed to living a value-based life and refuse to fall into people pleasing. What would you say? What would you expect others to say? How would you remain firm? These are all important questions.
Think of this script as practice. Learning to stand your ground is 100% a skill set. It is not a talent some people have and others don’t. So, get those 10,000 hours and work on your communication skills! It is a heck of a lot easier practicing in your journal that going straight to face-to-face confrontation.
But don’t let that fool you. You’re still gonna have to talk to people. A lot.
Plan Difficult Conversations
At this point, you’ll have built a lot of self-confidence in your journal. Now is the time to use it. Like I said, people pleasers can only change if they face people. You can’t stay in the safety of your journal forever. This next step is therefore the hardest step you’ll have to take to break people pleasing patterns. The good news? It is also the least complicated.
Identify one area of your life that needs to change in order for you to live according to your values. It might even be the situation you just wrote a script about! Then set a date.
This date is your boundary setting deadline. It is not enough to have a boundary. You need to express it! The deadline gives you a timeframe to do so.
Look, you can’t control how people react to your boundary. You might need to say it more than once. Any people pleaser will tell you that this reality is that absolute worst. Fear of rejection and disappointment will make you want to avoid the conversation all together. But ah ha! You now have a list of values to guide your actions! I guarantee they will guide you to express yourself at least once.
Don’t cheat yourself by letting the deadline pass you by.
Compare and Celebrate!
After you put your foot down, it’s time to journal again. This time, free write about all the ways boundary setting was different from people pleasing.
Truth is, your first few attempts at setting boundaries will suck. People usually revolt a little when you stop acting the way they expect you to. This is normal. You might even feel guilt when no one is even mad at you. This is also normal.
Breaking a lifelong pattern is not easy. Still, I guarantee that working towards your values will eventually lead to a more fulfilling life.
