Stop People Pleasing – A Scary Honest Journaling Guide

A Little Tough Love

One of the biggest myths about people pleasers is that we are total wimps. And be honest, a lot of people willingly accept that stereotype. The alternative (being a raging jerk who is unshakably selfish), is gross.

No one wants to hang around a selfish person. People who defend their boundaries firmly get abandoned at those boundary lines. When you’re so wrapped up in what other’s think – this is flat out terrifying! Because of this fear, you may low-key justify your people pleasing because it means you’ll always have people on your side. Better yet, you might even have people defend you and do you heavy social lifting when conflict hits.

AKA: People pleasers directly benefit when they bend over backwards for others. Sure, you might not get your first pick on movie night and you never visit your favorite restaurant, but people hang around you. The only problem is that those people don’t know who you actually are. When you think about it this way, you realize that people pleasing is… (dun dun dun) …selfish too.

That’s why, if you want to stop people pleasing, you need to really be honest about what those behaviors have gotten you so far. Attention? Protection? Affection? These are healthy things to want, but betraying your boundaries is not a healthy way to get them.

The Victim Triangle

There have been entire books written about the Victim Triangle. It is based on a model invented by the psychiatrist Stephen Karpman. He called it the drama triangle and it’s gone by many other names in pop psychology. I am using the name I was first introduced to it with. Whatever you call it, this triangle is like a script people play out when being inauthentic.

The script goes something like this. Person A (the persecutor) says something that Person B (the victim) doesn’t like. When Person B feels attacked, they call in Person C (the protector) to defend them. Maybe you’ve seen this in your own family. Like when Mom or Dad drags in your siblings to convince you to come to family Thanksgiving. There are a billion ways this triangle plays out.

You might think that people pleasers stay in the victim lane. You’d be wrong. Many times, people pleasers feel pushed to defend others too. The urge to keep the peace is real. And let’s say you defend a little too hard. Now you’re the bad guy. If you give in to the Victim Triangle, you’re gonna play every part eventually. In order to stop people pleasing, you’ll need to lose the script altogether.

One Powerful Paradox

Notice how the person spending the least amount of energy on any given conflict is the person in the victim seat. Once you convince someone else to take on your conflict for you, you’re free to rest and hide out till the fight is over. That’s a lot of power.

Unfortunately, the price of that power is eternal people pleasing. The damsel in distress might not have to fight the dragon but she also doesn’t say much.

Ironically, this comfort is why so many people struggle to defend their own boundaries. When we convince someone that we are a victim, we can convince them to defend us. Ironically, we have to give up our authentic influence to control our influence over others.

You deserve more than that because you are capable of slaying your own dragons. But first, you have to learn how to stop people pleasing.

Hold On, You Deserve Compassion!

I said this post would get a little uncomfortable at first, didn’t I? Don’t worry, you’ve made it to the empowering part.

First, I believe you. I believe that you have had valid reasons to want to control your influence over others. It is hard to get through childhood when you have no power of your own. When trauma happens (however big or small), it makes sense that you would want to find some way to influence your world.

Second, if you are smart enough to influence others, you are smart enough to stop people pleasing. It can be a lifelong battle. But over time, you’ll learn that protecting your own needs as an adult requires a lot less energy than constantly following others. Who knows what you’ll be capable of with all that extra strength?! This is an exciting journey.

So, How Can You Journal to Stop Your People Pleasing Habit?

On the Inner Work Podcast, Maryann and I mentioned three broad questions you need to ask yourself before leaping into healing. They are tough questions to face – no doubt about it. However, once you unpack them, you’ll be better equipped to set, defend, and cherish your own boundaries.

Mental health journal prompts like these are hard work so please only spend a max. of 20 minutes per day on these prompts. I mean it. Shadow work journaling like this can get addicting when you don’t set healthy guidelines. Let’s this time limit be the first boundary you practice defending without exception.

Question 1: Why Does Control Feel So Necessary?

Before you can really understand how your people pleasing is subtly controlling those around you, consider why this control has been necessary. Remember, most people need people pleasing at some point to survive. The following prompts might help you understand your specific motivations for control. It is the first step if you want to stop people pleasing.

·         What is one rule from childhood that you still disagree with today?

·         Where did you feel most unsafe as a child? What did you do when you were there?

·         Who are you trying hardest to please now as an adult? Why?

·         What makes you feel like you’ve “done a good job”?

·         How do you feel when you think you haven’t “done a good job”?

·         What is one preference or opinion you’ve had that was immediately shot down?

·        When do you feel most in control?

Question 2: What Are You Trying to Convince People About Yourself?

Read: what are you trying to convince yourself about yourself? When we don’t know ourselves, it is so tempting to get validation from other people. If you catch yourself really trying to show people that you are X, Y, or Z – you probably just want someone else to confirm who you are. It’s a values thing. Use these prompts when you are ready to uncover those vulnerable values so you can finally stop people pleasing.

·         What would be the worst possible thing someone could think about you?

·         How often do you feel like you genuinely “fit in” somewhere?

·         Who do you admire most? Why?

·         Do you identify more with being a victim, protector, or persecutor? Name a time when you played a different role.

·        Imagine you’ve achieved every one of your goals. What would people ideally say about you?

·        Values are how we want to act. That said, what are your values?  

·         How many people get to see who you are “behind the mask”?

·         How do you know who is worthy of getting to know the real you? What would happen if you didn’t follow those rules?

Question 3: How Have You Actually Benefited from People Pleasing?

Sometimes when we talk about how to stop people pleasing, we ignore how absolutely amazing it feels to have people like you. Nothing feels better than knowing people enjoy you and want you around. People pleasing has its benefits (even if those benefits are outmatched by how much you lose out on). It can help to know what you’re giving up when you decide to stop your people pleasing habit. These prompts will help you do just that.

·        Have you ever been friends with someone that was often rude to you? Why did you stay in that friendship/ why are you still in it now?

·        Did you ever feel pressure to calm down one/ both of your parents? Why?

·        How has your career benefited from being able to “read a room”?

·        Name a time you got what you wanted by “hinting” or other passive measures.

·        Have you ever been nice to someone threatening you in order to protect yourself? Using self compassion, explain why that felt necessary.

·         What have you lost out on because you weren’t willing to give in to pressure?

·        Describe a standout time when you actually got your way 100%.